| people wonder why I'm broken |
[Oct. 12th, 2009~|~07:58 pm] |
stylishape101 (7:54:52 PM): well I'm sure it's not entirely your fault
mistressvongloom (7:55:00 PM): thanks
mistressvongloom (7:55:34 PM): is that like it's sort of kind of maybe not really any of your fault?
stylishape101 (7:55:57 PM): what?
mistressvongloom (7:56:15 PM): it's not Entirely my fault
stylishape101 (7:56:22 PM): right
mistressvongloom (7:56:46 PM): so who gets to take sort of kind of a little of the other fault?
stylishape101 (7:57:02 PM): *shrug*
stylishape101 (7:57:11 PM): wanna trade off every other week?
mistressvongloom (7:57:21 PM): sure |
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| I've been coping |
[Sep. 30th, 2009~|~07:18 pm] |
| [ | Where I Am |
| | home | ] |
| [ | How I'm Feeling |
| |  debating | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Queen Amsterdam- Elvis Costello | ] |
Man, life is interesting. Totalling cars, new stressful jobs, being dumped and falling back into the same old with men every time, lots of pain from totalling car...What is a girl to do with herself?
Debating. Debating if I want 11pm pie tonight. I have to wake up at 6:30 tomorrow. Debating if I want to take a muscle relaxer for my neck and back. May leave me incopacitated, and not up for 11pm pie (if I decide to want some). Debating ice cream from store. It's getting dark, and the train tracks are creepy. Debating driving to store. Car runs like shit. Debating debating some more. Mind is tired.
Talked to someone that I haven't really hung out with or talked to in years this afternoon. Some things never change. It's a beautiful thing to have friends that can drop out of your life for years, and then randomly come back into them and start right where you left off. It's as if time isn't really against you all of the time.
I've been drawing again. Nothing extraordinary, just letting things come out. I drew a picture of Amanda Fucking Palmer, and I like it. I felt an artistic response to her post about art and how it shouldn't be considered wrong to cut out the middle man and receive support and money from her fans. One thing that she did fail to mention is that while she may be getting more money from her fans than she would from her record label, she also is very money savvy when it comes to touring. Instead of spending extravagantly on food and lodging, she asks her fans to let her sleep in their spare rooms and eat of their meals or two. She also repays them with tickets and love and drinking buddies (if they are of legal age to enjoy such things). I think that she has created a balance that is something to commend, not bash her for. It's not like she is rolling in the cash that she gets from fans (I don't recommend doing that anyway, money is filthy --says previous teller at bank)...she uses it for practical things, like rent and gas and necessities for touring and surviving. Besides, if you don't have the money to support her, don't feel guilty. She understands. She loves you anyway. She will make music for you to tell your friends about, and perhaps your friends will donate to support her instead. We all do what we can, and little by little it helps us feel. I'm sure that dropping 5 bucks in a ukulele feels a lot better than giving it to the guy at Starfucks for your Venti 160 degrees, nonfat, 4 shot, extra-whip, no foam zebra mocha with 2 pumps toffee nut and one pump vanilla. I think I would pay you 5 bucks to never order something that complicated again. In fact, I'll send Amanda 5 bucks if I get it, in writing, that you will stop ordering really complicated drinks and food for at least a month. Yes, all of you.
Anyway. Moving on past that rant, I responded artistically to something in my life. That is a step. In the picture I drew, it has a profile of Ms. Palmer flipping you off, and on her arm it says "Art For Money. Take It Or Leave Me." While it may not be the best thing I have ever drawn, it made me feel better than the beautiful things I have drawn before.
Art with feeling= More Reward
Well, I think I may go take a muscle relaxer now. Enjoy the rest of your evenings, and I hope that something I said made sense.
Til next time,
-Kym |
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| Things like this keep me going |
[Sep. 21st, 2009~|~12:04 am] |
It's a kink and coffee shop. Best Mocha EVER, and the first place I have ever seen that uses organic milk in their bar drinks. They will be adding food to the mix very soon, and the people that work there give you the best customer service that you can find at a cafe!!! I definitely give this place my highest rating! Help out the non-mainstream businesses that make better coffee and treat you like a human!! Do it!! |
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| haven't written a poem in forever... |
[Sep. 20th, 2009~|~11:43 pm] |
| [ | Where I Am |
| | home | ] |
| [ | How I'm Feeling |
| | contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Help Me-Joni Mitchell | ] |
You wanted me to be your friend
Before we ever fucked again
But friends don't break hearts
and tear friends apart
Second thoughts in cold beds
Fingers and panting haunting my head
I loved our loving
But not like you loved your freedom
Pictures of her trapped in my mind
Women like her you never could find
2a.m. calls with confessions of feeling
Leave me awake with a mind that is reeling
If I am wonderful, why am I alone?
Fate, while it's cruel, would never condone
this time full of growth and abandonment
I have no idea what your excuses meant
I believe I can never be your friend
The end is not the beginning, it's the end
I loved our loving, but not like you
Loved your freedom.
*poem contains a line from "Help Me" by Joni Mitchell, and she deserves all the credit she can get. |
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| Mixed Feelings |
[Jul. 10th, 2009~|~10:29 pm] |
| [ | Where I Am |
| | where else? | ] |
| [ | How I'm Feeling |
| |  nervous | ] |
| [ | music |
| | chain of glow- rosin coven | ] |
really awesome things have been going on, but to jazz things up a bit life has been throwing hormones and insecurities at me.
In three months, if I make my sales goal, I will be promoted to a position where I will make about 18/hour + commission. That sure beats the hell out of what I make now.
I got paid today, and I am no longer in massive amounts of debt.
Ian got hired at Peet's Coffee, so he feels much better about life in general. No, he is still not my boyfriend.
He is at a party right now, in napa, and I'm pretty damn sure his ex girlfriend is there. when there is drinking involved, it makes me a little uneasy. Not saying that I do not trust Ian, I trust him more than most of the guys that I have dated. I just wish I was there. I hate ex girlfriends.
Plus, who the fuck wants to be home, alone, on a friday night while all of their friends are out partying having fun? i don't have any children, for fuck's sake. This isn't fair! *whines*
You know what makes this okay? The fact that I get a full night's rest tonight, and I get off work at 4:45 instead of 6:15 tomorrow. You know what makes it even better than that? I have sunday and monday off. I get to drink and be merry (hopefully with Ian), and have a great time without being broke as fuck. Awesome!!!
Wish me luck. |
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| Another attempt at an update... |
[Mar. 12th, 2009~|~02:55 pm] |
Hidey ho. I'm sitting here in San Bruno, at a friend's house. Currently waiting for someone to get out of the shower. Fun times.
I really hate being broke. I have just been sitting around at home for the past few weeks. It is scary to get into a system of getting Direct Deposit advances to pay off Direct Deposit advances to pay off Rent. I promised myself a long time ago that I would never get into that system, but it is hard to keep promises when you are scary broke...:(
I am turning in my application to Trader Joes today. I'm going to try to work nights to help me get caught up with budgeting and all that fun stuff. I think it's about time that I stop worrying about money. I'm only 20, I can worry about that kind of stuff later, when my retirement depends on the stock market.
I had a nice lunch with John today. We went up to (I think) Portrero Hill, and had a little picnic and we took a little nap in the sun. It was beautiful in the city today. Ladybugs kept attacking John, it was cute. Dogs kept trying to sneak in and steal our food, but we caught them every time. :)
I am looking forward to my next photoshoot on Thursday. It's going to be one hell of a time trying to get John to shave, but who knows the power that a photographer has over their models. I will not be the one shooting, it's my friend Bob. I also have no idea what to wear, that always seems to be a problem for me. I may try to go with fishnets and skirts, and I would like to find a cheap cameo necklace somewhere. Any ideas, anyone?
I am also looking forward to seeing Jason Webley on the 18th. I have never seen him live, but I have been told that it is an amazing experience, and the tickets were not badly priced at all. Also, Zoe Keating (she was in Rasputina) will be performing in part of the set as well. I'll let you all know what I think.
*looking around, making sure I got everything*
I have no St. Patty's Day plans yet, but I know that I am busy Sunday. I really hope that I do not have to work really early on Monday. I will find out tomorrow what my schedule looks like for next week.
Wish me luck with getting a second job! Thanks! |
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| yes. uh huh. got it. ok. |
[Mar. 9th, 2009~|~07:07 pm] |
| [ | Where I Am |
| | home | ] |
| [ | How I'm Feeling |
| |  perhaps | ] |
| [ | music |
| | repo! the genetic opera soundtrack | ] |
I realize that a lot of time passes between my posts. In reality, this probably shouldn't happen. My computer sits on its desk, always online. I just get easily sidetracked, and the more often I am online, the more I realize that there are things that take upkeep. Facebook, Myspace, email (I have three or four), Applications on Facebook, Friends' posts on lj, deadjournal, their own websites...the list goes on and on.
And then there is Twitter. Fucking Twitter. It is the international, critically acclaimed STALKER application. You are following...you are being followed by....Fucking Creepy. Of course I am on it. How could I not be? It's the new, cool, hip, necessary thing in everyone's lives. It's one of the only ways to get secret updates from famous people. Amanda Palmer posts her webcasts there, and Neil Gaiman gives reviews on life, his own stuff, and reviews of his reviews on stuff. Plus, wonderful things for me to get addicted to.
As I was saying, I am online. A lot. It has slowly been taking over my life. Yet I do not post, and I don't have an answer for you. Perhaps i feel that my life is boring, and it's not worth talking about (which is true most of the time). Or, I am too caught up in other crap. Or my computer starts dying.
I think the last reason is why this update is being cut short. Talk more later. |
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| Motivation is Overrated |
[Nov. 17th, 2008~|~09:53 am] |
I never finish things. I always start out on this big adventure, full of hope and inspiration...only to be frustrated later by writer's block and a full schedule. I told myself that I was going to finish NATIONAL NOVEL WRITING MONTH this year, but of course, I didn't. I always aim too high, and then sit there and watch it fall.
This may sound depressing, but it's not. At least I know this about myself. I will end up finishing the story at a later date. It's a story that I was working on as a graphic novel, now into an actual novel. I have a lot of people that would like to read it when I'm done, so that is also a reason that I have to finish this damn thing! :)
Alrighty, off to get an education. Write more later. |
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| My thoughts EXACTLY |
[Nov. 11th, 2008~|~10:00 pm] |
| [ | Where I Am |
| | home | ] |
| [ | How I'm Feeling |
| |  horny | ] |
| [ | music |
| | runs in the family- amanda palmer | ] |
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| Dream Inducing Foods |
[Nov. 3rd, 2008~|~05:38 pm] |
| [ | Where I Am |
| | home | ] |
| [ | How I'm Feeling |
| |  creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | looking right now | ] |
For the purpose of National Novel Writing Month (it's that time again), I will be trying different foods that are reputed to have lucid dreaming effects. No hard drugs, just wives tales. Here's the list:
Tryptophan (as found in cheese, whole milk, and turkey)
Melatonin
Pecans
Hazelnuts
Kumquats
Brussel Sprouts
Nicotine Patches (ok, that's a drug, but I need to quit anyway)
Orange Juice
Lettuce
Mustard and Pickles
Ice Cream
Popcorn
Fish (not for me, I'm allergic U.U)
Salty Foods right before bed
Vit. B6
Powerade
Nutmeg
Tumeric
Mugwort
Chamomile
Also, throughout the month, if anyone has any weird dreams, ANYTHING AT ALL, I would love to use it in my story. Please feel free to leave a comment on this entry, it will be screened. Thank you for your help, I'm counting on you!!! |
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| Class Notes: October 27th, 2008 |
[Oct. 30th, 2008~|~05:04 pm] |
Sexual Orientation
Paraphelia- Formerly known as Sexual Deviations
Object Cathexis- “cathect” develop connection or orientation with the object, place, or person. Orientation decerns what will turn you on. Gay/Lesbian/ Bisexual is something that cannot be changed. Established early, in formative years.
Paraphelia facts:
-Even if they don’t act on it, they are still considered to have the paraphelia.
-98% are men.
Types of Paraphelias:
• Pedophelia: “If they’re old enough to pee, they’re old enough for me”
• Zoopehelia: formerly known as Bestiality. Sexual preference for animals.
• Necrophelia: Dead Body Sex. Also think of the Voltaire song “Dead Girls Like Me”
• Sadism: Inflicted pain on others during sex. Usually likes masochists.
Masochism: Inflicted pain on self during sex. Usually likes sadists.
Also see “Secretary,” which is supposed to be a good movie about this
• Transvestism: Men dressing up as women
• Fetishism: Obsession with certain items or body parts.
• Voyeurism: “peeping tom” gets off on watching other people doing things.
• Exhibitionism: Showing body parts to strangers. Think of the infamous man in the trench coat.
• Frotteur: Rubbing up against unsuspecting people in crowded places.
Gender Identity Disorder- Transsexual and Transgender: Wrong Sex for Body
Intersexed- Hermaphroditic, or Ambiguous Genitalia. Makes up 1.7% of the population. Suicide rates for pre and post-operations are high (50%). |
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| stolen from sokkmonkey |
[Oct. 22nd, 2008~|~09:24 pm] |
| [ | Where I Am |
| | home | ] |
| [ | music |
| | soon to be pandora | ] |
01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
02) What was your dream growing up?
03) What talent do you wish you had?
04) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
05) Favorite vegetable?
06) What was the last book you read?
07) What zodiac sign are you?
08) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
09) Worst Habit?
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
11) What is your favorite sport?
12) Do you have a Pessimistic or Optimistic attitude?
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
16) Do you have any pets?
17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?
18) What was your first impression of me?
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
22) What color eyes do you have?
23) Ever been arrested?
24) Bottle or can soda?
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
26) Favorite band to listen to when you're mad?
27) What's your favorite place to hang out at?
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
30) Do you swear a lot?
31) Biggest pet peeve?
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
34) Favourite and least favourite food?
35) Do you believe in God?
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you? |
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| A few thoughts |
[Oct. 20th, 2008~|~03:09 pm] |
| [ | Where I Am |
| | home | ] |
| [ | How I'm Feeling |
| | confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | livin on a prayer-bon jovi | ] |
I've been doing a little thinking/obsessing, and I really only got one thought out of it: I wish people would forgive and forget about stupid shit that people have done to them, a lot more often. I haven't killed anyone, or their pets, and I didn't sleep with a friend's sisters/brothers. I lied to a few people, I realize it was wrong, and the only reason I haven't been able to move on is because I haven't been forgiven. What I would really like is for everyone to admit that it's been a really long time, things were said and done, people have changed, and now we can be decent to each other. I don't see how that is all that unrealistic. God, I miss those people so much. *sigh* One of them was my best friend. Trust me, if I had only done what I should, and avoided doing things I shouldn't do... We live, we learn.
On a different note, I got a "B+" on my test in Geology. That made me really damn proud of myself. My professor even noticed, and wrote me a nice little note right next to my grade. I am not dropping that class, like I had previously wanted to do. I may get away with a pretty good grade, which would be great. I still dropped my speech class, though. I don't think that I would get a good grade if I chose to continue. Besides, I really like having my Tuesdays and Thursdays off.
I had to watch a movie about Eating Disorders in Abnormal Psychology class today. All I can say is that the power of the mind scares me. The truth that someone can starve themselves to death and still think they are fat the whole time that they are doing it is appalling....and scary.
I had to share with the class that I had an eating disorder when I was younger. Not really bulimia, but anorexia. I knew that it was time to face it, and it really helped people in class understand things from a more personal level, instead of a documentary. I haven't really struggled with it since I was about 14, but sometimes it seems to be right underneath the surface. There are still days where I will go until 5 or 6 in the evening without eating anything, and not even notice until I get lightheaded and faint feeling. I have maintained the same weight (within a 10lb gap) for 6 years, so I guess it could be worse.
Sorry to blab on about disorders and crap, this class is starting to get to me. Thank god it's only a couple more months. I'm sitting here now, wondering if i should go down to House of Humor a little early to make sure that I am A)working today, and B)starting at 5. I think I shall.
More later. |
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| My most amazing birthday EVER! |
[Oct. 16th, 2008~|~04:58 am] |
| [ | Where I Am |
| | home | ] |
| [ | How I'm Feeling |
| |  delighted!!! | ] |
| [ | music |
| | a million bits of song all at once in my head | ] |
My god, it's 4:58 in the morning, and I am just sitting down to write about my birthday. That says something in itself.
The morning got off to a bad start, and I was about ready to unleash hatred into the universe...and then it changed. After traffic on the way to school, and absence of available parking at CSM, I trecked across the campus in heels with a laptop bag at my side. I made it to class early enough to go online and check for the answers to the quiz I had to take (and was uber close to missing because of traffic).
Aced the quiz with no problem at all, got a cigarette as a birthday present from one of my classmates. Then another not-so-awesome moment of buying myself lunch and possibly overdrafting my debit/credit card. Abnormal psychology was a little difficult, since I had to watch a movie about eating disorders before I gorge myself on cake and free meals.
The second I got out of school, the universe decided -as Shane liked to say to me- to completely obliterate any bad juju that I had going on. EVERY SINGLE SONG ON ANY RADIO STATION I TUNED TO WAS AN AWESOME SONG...AND AT THE BEGINNING. If the current song wasn't by far the coolest song I could think of, the next station had something better.
I got home, and my dad looked really sick. I thought that dinner may have to be canceled. I was almost a little bummed, but he promised me that dinner was still on (crisis averted). He also invited my mom and my brother Joseph, making it a whole immediate family thing.
Deciding that dinner would be much later, I went over to Maggi and George's. When i got there, I was told to look at the DVD's, and try to find a duplicate. Since it was pink and easy to spot, I found that she had bought me my very own copy of Pretty in Pink! Maggi really is the best older sister figure to walk the earth. We then proceeded to play RockBand2, therefore continuing the awesome music thing from earlier.
I left there house to go to dinner, and while listening to the continued awesome radio thing* I drove across the bridge. I got to see the most gorgeous sunset, with a soundtrack to it.
I picked my mom up on my way home, and when I walked in the door to my house, I was 100% totally shocked. MY DAD SHAVED OFF HIS MUSTACHE. You people don't understand here: My mother was with him for almost 30 years -they were like 20 when they met- and she NEVER ONCE saw him without the damn thing. So obviously never in my lifetime either. He looks COMPLETELY different. All through dinner, I kept staring at him to make sure that I wasn't slipped acid or something. At the end of dinner, my dad offered to take my mom home so I didn't have to.
That's not all. After dinner, I went to Bondage-a-GoGo. I met up with my friends Paul and Nyssa. They are really not the sort of people that I would ever imagine frequenting a place like BAGG. The things people do for the love of friends... I also find out that Nyssa broke up with the Boyfriend a few months ago, and that she made out with a chick and liked it. Her cool points went up so much for that. She also decided to tell me that on my birthday, which was kind of an added bonus. No, we did not make out... but maybe someday, who knows? Oh, and Guess who was at BaGG with us??
The Barely Legal cast of the Rocky Horror Picture Show (they are the ones who usually do the San Francisco Gay Pride float while doing the time warp). I saw them on my 17th birthday at the Parkway Theater in Oakland. I ended up talking with the actor who plays Brad almost every single show, and he turned out to be a really cool guy. We sat in the smoking room after the show, and talked about life in general, and weird things that life has shown us. Not philosophically, but literally. Think of weird things that you have seen that have made you say to yourself (in your head or out loud): "this is just life reminding me that things don't always have to be explained." I exchanged numbers with him, and I will probably have more interesting thoughts stuck in my head because of that guy.
That's still not all. When I got home at like 3 in the morning, my mom was still there. From how the story goes, my parents decided to go get beer instead of dropping her off, and they hung out like teenagers without the naked, drugs, and sex. We then proceeded to sit in the living room and talk about books we love, movies, television shows, and other random stuff...LIKE A FAMILY. I am in such awe of today, I am almost too afraid to sleep. I may wake up and find that this was all just some messed up dream, and that really: I'm waking up to the start of my birthday, and it's raining... like every other year.
Thank you for listening. I really did have a truly wonderful day, despite a couple of speed bumps. Hell, I think if I didn't have them, I would not have been able to take all this happy good stuff.
Also, I want to thank everyone that texted, called, left comments, and sent eCards and messages to me today. I felt sooooo loved, and special (not short bus kind of way). Thank You Thank You Thank You!!!
(mind you, this isn't XM that I'm talking about...just the usually crappy bay area local radio stations that crank out a decent song every 45 minutes or so) |
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| Room is finished, and now I'm stressing about other things |
[Feb. 28th, 2008~|~11:57 pm] |
| [ | Where I Am |
| | home | ] |
| [ | How I'm Feeling |
| |  stressed | ] |
It's very rewarding to walk into a room that is clean, and all of my stuff is easy to find. However, now I have other things on my mind.
They have changed my section at Beans and Noodles. I am now lead of Zone 2: Business through Art. I have this analogy to compare it to: Imagine moving into a delapitated house. You are happy that you have a house, but every time you walk into it, you get overwhelmed with the amount of work it will take you to make it livable. That is how I feel about my new section. The only reason I didn't run from the place screaming was because Mike is helping me get started, and actually TRAINING me as a lead. There may be hope for my world. Now for other news:
I am spending more than I am making, and it's not really something I can change. I have medical bills that just keep coming, and I have to go to the dentist soon. My benefits pretty much suck, and they still stick me with a humongous bill. I don't have the money to pay all of this shit off, and I don't have anything worth enough to sell. I was thinking of selling off some of my books, but I have no idea how the fuck ebay or amazon works, so I guess I just have to keep them. I was thinking of having a yard sale, since I know my neighborhood has a community yard sale in the Spring. I guess I should just write everything down that I intend to sell, and plot out the prices and such. I just have to keep myself rooted to the spot, or else I will walk the street and come home with more than I sold. I am such the typical woman...
I decided that after my class is over, I am going to get a second job again. I remember that it was stressful, and I remember that I hated it, but hopefully it will tide me over until I get my resume together, and get into an entry-level job where I actually make money. I need to save money to make money, unless someone feels like giving me 20,000 dollars to get into a good beauty school. Any offers? Didn't think so.
Well, off to sleep. Have to wake up early to go to work. Write again soon. |
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| what to do... |
[Feb. 11th, 2008~|~01:27 pm] |
| [ | Where I Am |
| | csm | ] |
| [ | How I'm Feeling |
| | creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | click... | ] |
Class was canceled today... Now I SHOULD go do my five or so loads of laundry that have been piling up... but I think I'm gonna go get lunch instead.
Kym |
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| subjects are overrated |
[Feb. 5th, 2008~|~07:10 pm] |
| [ | Where I Am |
| | home | ] |
| [ | How I'm Feeling |
| |  always cold at home... | ] |
I noticed that when I force myself to be motivated, I work harder than when I am Naturally motivated. I cleaned my car with a toothache. I don't know how the hell I did it.
I need to go to the dentist. I am scared shitless of dentists, and their clever way of sticking you with bills that you can never pay. That, and the whole, "If they mess up, I can never really eat again" thing...
I wish my teeth would just stay together, and not fall apart. It doesn't matter how much I brush them. Really. If I brush them regularly, it loosens everything up, and I expose my nerve. It hurts like a bitch. If I don't...then you get as grossed out as I do. I'm fucked either way.
Life has mellowed out a little. Bridgette isn't being nice to me, but she's not being mean either. She has taken to ignoring me, and that works out fine for me. I would much rather not worry about when things are going to change.
Looking at my room is depressing. I have no idea where in the hell I am supposed to put all of this stuff, but I can't just leave it in bags on my floor. I don't really have any more room for shelves, but I have no real furniture except my bed. Bridgette made a desk for me out of storage containers. They are very colorful...
Sigh, I just don't know what I am doing anymore. Every time I get bored with my life, I bitch and moan and complain about it... until something is about to change, and then I freak out, and cling to the old life that I had before. Anyone who says that I am well adapted to my environments is full of shit. I can't STAND my environments. Ask anyone that has lived with me. I need to be far away from my stuff, and a space that I spend too much time alone in. People have told me that it is because I have too much stuff, and it is easier for me to leave it somewhere than to deal with it. In a sense, that may be true. However, I think that a vast majority of my belongings have emotional sentiments attached to them, making it hard to keep, but nearly impossible to get rid of. Only after it falls apart can I get rid of it without feeling horrible. This is a habit that is really hard to break for me. It doesn't help that everything that I own is from when I was older than 11. I never had that healthy childhood thing of getting rid of all my toys in order to make room for the new ones. I lost everything that I owned at the age of about 10 when my mother let the storage room go unpaid. Since then, I have made excuses to hold onto everything I have, fearing that if I don't watch it close enough, or invest enough love into it, that object will be taken away somehow.
So here I am, making myself go through everything I own over and over. Making myself get rid of at least one thing every time, so I can buy 2342397 more things to take it's place. Can you say rat race?
God, it's fucking cold in here. I wish that I had a heater in this room. My fingers are numb.
Off to go try to clean again. Talk more later.
P.S. Thank you, hauntedaislinn, for your comment. It really made me feel a lot better. :) We should go get coffee soon. |
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| Why is everything going to hell in a handbasket? |
[Jan. 26th, 2008~|~12:20 pm] |
| [ | Where I Am |
| | home | ] |
| [ | How I'm Feeling |
| | stressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ow | ] |
Shane is being a douche, but trying not to be a douche anymore.
My dad thinks that I am not taking school seriously, and all my classes are pointless.
Rebecca just posted a suicide note on her LJ, and disabled comments. I don't know if she is ok or not.
I'm really fucking sick, and stressed out, and things are going horribly. And there isn't really a damn thing that I can do about them. If I even got a hold of her, I wouldn't know what to say, and I might make things worse, and I don't want to take that chance. I don't have the number of any one of her friends, so i can't go that route either. What in the hell am I supposed to do?
This is why I think that for a good while, I should avoid people. It's nothing but drama, and most of it isn't even mine. I really am a recluse at heart, and things like this make it come out in me.
I really don't want to go to work today, and deal with stranger's bullshit. My friend may be in grave danger, and that's all that matters to me right now. Let's not leave out the fact that she has been utterly depressed because a terminal asshole got back together with her on her birthday, and then dumped her shortly after. Or the fact that she has made absolutely no attempt to get help from me, and from what I can tell, any of her other friends.
People suck. If she did commit suicide, it wasn't with any help from me. I tried to help her get out of the house, and talk about it so she would feel better. Sometimes people just want an excuse, and she found one.
I'll post with any updates. |
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| Amazing how events cluster together... |
[Jan. 22nd, 2008~|~09:50 pm] |
| [ | Where I Am |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | How I'm Feeling |
| |  anxious | ] |
| [ | music |
| | rain | ] |
So, I start school tomorrow. I am not quite sure how to feel about this. I want to be excited. I want to spend a sleepless night in anticipation of another school semester, and the fun things that I am bound to learn.
I don't think that is going to happen. But I can always hope.
My dad wants me to do a project of sorts. He wants me to "Plan" (I hate that word) my life out. He wants to know every single beauty school I plan to apply to, the cost, the length, the cost of materials, how I "plan" (there it is again) to pay for it, and so on and so forth. He wants it is a word document, formatted, in a portfolio once it is done. I am not allowed to have help. I am not allowed to give up, or settle on less. I have to do this before march begins. I have no fucking idea what the hell i am going to do.
He told me that I have to explain these things about an ADVANCED FIELD OF VOCATION as if I were explaining to a child. He wants every fact sourced.
i know that this is for my own good. But there is one thing that I would like you all to understand: I can't even write a second grade ESSAY, for christ's sake. Paragraph? What is that? When do I end a point? Stress it? Begin another one? What's a topic sentence? <-I know that one.
I also doesn't help that now I am starting to doubt myself, despite the fact that I have wanted to do this -in my head- since i was about 12. Do I really want to be a makeup artist/ hairdresser? Is my attendance anywhere good enough to run my own business, let alone go to school to learn how to do so? Is it even possible for me to learn chemistry? Accounting? Small business management? Writing?
There is a lot of money involved,and some of it may not be mine. If things don't work out, I am out of resources for any other decision that I may have about my future, and I will have waisted a lot of time (and lost my current job), all for something that I may end up hating. I don't think that I am ready for this kind of commitment. CSM is cheap compared to other schools, and I would only be out of about 2,000 dollars (plus materials), if all else fails.
With all of this doubt, how am I to give off an air of confidence and knowledge to my family???
Help me find the courage to do this. |
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| stabbing myself is fun for a change |
[Dec. 24th, 2007~|~01:52 am] |
| [ | Where I Am |
| | shane's room | ] |
| [ | How I'm Feeling |
| |  holidays | ] |
| [ | music |
| | heater | ] |
Deciding that I needed something to reduce stress this holiday season, I took up knitting. I am on my second day, and have knitted about five inches worth of a scarf. Woot. The funny thing is that an Ethiopian security guard at work taught me the complicated parts. I would like to have different colors in there, but I don't know how to mix them in, so I am sticking with black for this scarf. My next project will be a black and white striped scarf, then maybe a hat. By the time I get them done, it will be sometime in the summer, and I won't need them. But that's just how it goes sometimes...
I have the next two days off, and I get to start moving tomorrow. I am so friggin excited about the idea of having a room that I can do whatever I want with! The possibilities are endless. I need a good idea for shelf space in a tiny bathroom. It's big enough for a sink, toilet, and stall shower with no tub. The only wall I really have is right next to the toilet, and I don't have a door for the shower, so I can't hang anything on there either. I might be able to talk my dad into putting a door in instead, since it would give me the opportunity to hang a little wire shelf off of the steel bar... I'll just have to see what happens.
As for space in the room, I don't have much of that either. I told my dad that he could leave the hutch in there, since I don't see how he got it in there in the first place, let alone how he would get it out again. It goes up to the ceiling, has a glass case for knick knacks, plus cupboards underneath. My dad is also going to add a mirror to it's gap in the middle, therefore making it into some sort of vanity.
Tell you what, I'll take pictures of the damn thing when I'm happy with it, and you don't have to hear me make vague talk of it anymore. Great? great.
Tonight is the last actual night I am living in shane's room. It's kind of sad, in a way. Heaven knows I'll still be spending a lot of time here, but since the distance to and from is so far, it's not as often as I would like. I wish gas was cheap again...
Well, battery is dying on laptop. Gonna go get my free neopoints, since I am not-so-secretly still a december neopets WHORE, and call it a night. Tata. |
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mistressgloom's journal
chipper